OK. Let’s get this out-of-the-way. The Lone Ranger is not the worst movie of 2013. It had the good fortune to occur in the same calendar year as You’re Next. Short of someone shooting a three-hour nature study of horse apples, You’re Next is secure in being the worst motion picture of 2013 (and quite possibly the decade). However, if you would like to see an iconic American hero dragged through a pile of horse apples (unfortunately not a metaphor), then Gore Verbinski has delivered the definitive version of The Lone Ranger.I have a particular love of this character born, oddly, of the last disastrous attempt to bring him to the screen. When I was a small boy, my mom bought a kid’s picture book adaptation of the 1980’s Lone Ranger movie, and I read it a few hundred times. I had Lone Ranger and Tonto action figures. I had the horses. Fortunately, I never saw (and still haven’t) the movie, which I’m given to understand may even be worse than this movie was. I hardly see how that’s possible, but I suppose it IS feasible given that this movie at least had a great score by Hans Zimmer incorporating the famous William Tell Overture theme.
Arnie Hammer plays the titular character and his previous acting experience was playing the twins in The Social Network. Johnny Depp stretches the make-up driven madness that began in The Pirates of the Caribbean to its ultimate low point. They are both awful. I expected Hammer to be awful. Depp is/was/may still be a great actor.
This movie somehow cost upwards of $250 million to make and that’s before marketing. If Disney hadn’t the good fortune to have had a gaggle of other films to balance this out, this would have been a financial disaster even the Mouse would have felt. As it is, you would think it would be the end of people throwing sacks of cash at Depp to be eccentric in make-up, but he’s already signed to reprise his Mad Hatter in Through the Looking Glass. The phrase “Academy-Award winning director Gore Verbinski” needs to be stopped. Verbinski won his Oscar for F/X. He directed ONE good movie. There needs to be a restraining order issued keeping him and Tim Burton away from Johnny Depp for the rest of his career.
If I haven’t summarized the plot to the film, it’s because ….why? It has to do with the railroad. There’s only so much time I can devote to dwelling on this film, because-as I mentioned-I LIKE THIS CHARACTER. It makes me mad that it was treated as disrespectfully as this and not only is the movie just plain bad on its own, the entire story is told in flashbacks. The actual setting is 1933 San Francisco where a withered Tonto who is making a living as a wax statue in a Western side-show, tells the story to a kid dressed as the Lone Ranger.
This truly is one of the worst blockbuster bombs in modern Hollywood history. I made a commitment to review the last 10 films of people I intent to profile in another column and in order to not wait another ten films to write-up Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Tom Wilkinson or Hans Zimmer, I had to watch this. You do not have to do this to yourselves. Walk away, kemosabe. Just walk away.
1.25/10 (ALL for Zimmer’s score)