killing time

KT Going on Hiaitus



A few people have noticed that posts have been a bit off-schedule and some columns have just cut out altogether over the last few months.  I promised myself that when the time came that I could no longer keep to my once-a-day minimum, that I would put the column on a hiatus.  Why?  What’s this I’m going on all about?  What the bloody hell is a  “hiatus”!

To explain why I need to stop full-time involvement with the site, I need to explain why I haven’t missed a day on the site since it began nearly two years ago and in it, have steadfastly refused to talk about my personal life, except when I’d randomly allude to something awful which we definitely weren’t talking about.  No talking about it here!  Nope!  LALALA!  Cannot hear you!  I actually thought my last post on the site might be My Favorite Scene: Big Fish.  My wife, Jan, has, since that fantastic night, been my movie buddy and best friend and the best wife anyone could ask for the 4.5 years we dated and 7.5 years we’ve been married.

My wife is a cancer survivor from her twenties and I’ve always lived in fear of a recurrence.  Around 2008 or so she became sick a lot, but it was a cough and no doctors we went to connected it to her previous cancer.  Then 3.5 years ago they did.  The diagnosis was terminal from the start and they gave her 2-4 months.  My wife has, since the DOOM DIAGNOSIS of May 2011, lasted over 3.5 years…until the last time we went to the hospital she deteriorated so quickly and so completely that the doctors wouldn’t offer anything more than palliative care.  So she’s been in a hospice facility for two weeks and it’s incredibly nice and the nurses take fantastic care of her, but they’re talking days, maybe weeks. Two weeks later they’re more talking along the line of hours and days, perhaps a week, but they’re discharging her home nonetheless.

Killing Time - November 1, 2010

Killing Time was my wife’s idea after I tried therapy to deal with the hard time I was having with the diagnosis and working full-time.  I didn’t want to talk about the cancer or my feelings about the cancer, so she said go back to writing and just keep it strictly about the stuff we love.  So I did and what began as a therapy exercise, has turned into a decent-sized blog, an outlet for my writing, a way to discipline myself to write every day, no matter what and has led me to meet some awesome people, and make lifelong friends.  Now, as I’m coming to the end of my life with Jan,  trying to figure out what my future even looks like, and though I’ve seen KT though some  terribly hard times and written many a column in a chair in a hospital room, now with hospice and the imminence of things, I’ve had a very hard time staying focused on anything, though continuing Killing Time for nearly a month since my wife’s second “but this time we really mean it” terminal diagnosis, has been helpful.  Jan also warned me as the blog got bigger than I’d ever intended that I shouldn’t let it become an obligation that destroyed the joy it’s brought me in its best times.

As most of professional medicine has been made utter fools of by my wife and her ability to throw mental monkey feces at their attempts to diagnose her, they do continue to make them, and I find myself finding less and less of her at home in a body clearly now merely serving as a tiny elevator for a soul bound to be outfitted with wings.  Her life is joyful.  Her life has been a celebration of joy and – especially – the arts and this column is not dedicated to her…it IS her writ small, for nothing I could write could sculpt with words the fun it is to discuss anything at all in the world with her.

Killing Time - October 25, 2010

I used this blog to fight the anticipatory grief of losing her that was threatening my daily functionality.  I don’t know what I’m going to do after this, but she’d be utterly disappointed in me if I didn’t, when I felt well enough, start to write the odd column for it again and then take on more and more slowly until I’ve returned it to its peak.  On our first date, we saw Big Fish; on our last – Guardians of the Galaxy.  It has been a wonderful life in movies and together.  I won’t lie.  I cannot picture a future one in which she doesn’t exist, but she will.  She’ll live on a billion private jokes that will make me smile and I’d like to think in-between her angelic duties she’d be happy to read some movie reviews and to know that they were only being written because I missed her and was sending, through a few paragraphs, a tiny love letter heaven-bound for her amusement.

So please, keep on reading and commenting on the old columns.  I’ll respond to comments.  I’ll return slowly, when I do.  I am certain I will.  She’d have wanted that, and I think it will be healthy for me when I’ve reached a certain point of healing.  Thank you all for making this so much fun and such a pleasure for her to read; something for us to share.  I will return.  My wife, though she may get wicked cool wings and may simply smile on our silliness from afar, will never leave.  I love you, Jannie.  Not half as much as yesterday, but not half as much as I will tomorrow.  I’ll see you all back here soon.  Thank you so much.

Janice and David Yaeger: Serial Time Killers

8 thoughts on “KT Going on Hiaitus”

  1. Dude, sorry to hear you’re going for a while, particularly under the circumstances. But what a beautifully written way in which to part, even for a brief time, until you start to publish again. I hope the ongoing interaction with your previous work brings some small comfort in your time of need. It’s been a pleasure seeing you so reliably fall into my reading list and I look forward to the day I see them again. Take care. Dylan @ H4M

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dave, what can I say? Hang in there. I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through, but I suspect you have at least 415 people pulling for you, and I’m one of them. For now your wife needs you, so go. No matter how long it takes, we’ll all be waiting for your return.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow… I’m literally speechless. That has to be one of the most moving posts I’ve read anywhere. I feel like anything I say will seem trite in comparison… but…

    …to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe, I’ll hold a good thought for you… and know that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your blog and I know I’ll continue to thoroughly enjoy it in the future.

    Take your time, my friend. We’ll wait for you. In the meantime, if you need *anything*, just holler. I know you can see my email from the list of comments on the blog 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tears are coursing down my face…and my heart it joyful to know you and you precious wife found and love each other. I believe she’s still with you, and always will be. What a brave, beautiful soul you are!!!!! You’ve turned your pain into purpose, and what a blessing for those of us privileged to connect with you. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My wife and I talked about stuff like I put on the site for hours every night, and she loved reading it and seeing where it would get hits the last few months of her life, but she didn’t comment because she knew it was my cancer-free zone, and like it or not, she was the cancer. But I still have all these things I would tell her….so I tell all of you, and I keep the tone of the site one which I think she’d like. It’s a memorial of sorts to her and a coping mechanism for me… that’s how all this got started several thousand posts ago.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s so amazing….the stuff of books and movies, in fact! I get why she loved your blog so much…not only is it brilliant, but it’s your lifeline (the earthly one, and the spiritual one 🙂


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