Each Thursday we look at what is going to be coming out in theaters this weekend, show you the trailers for the big releases, predict the box office winner and just generally give you enough of a carrot to pull you through the rest of the work week. June 3rd is one of the summer’s weakest weekends (probably because people thought both X-Men and Alice would do better than they have). You essentially have two choices: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or scoring points with your girlfriend/wife/whatever. Reviews aren’t loving either, so I’d score some points.
Though I loved them as a kid, I have had enough things I loved as a kid molested by Michael Bay, so I haven’t seen the first reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise, nor will I see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. Your other choice is the adaptation of Jo Jo Moyes’ novel: Me Before You. Great options are not really abounding at the moment in cinema, so maybe catch Captain America one last time or look into binging your way through your TV series of choice.
Me Before You (Emilia Clarke, PG-13, 1hr 50min)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 (PG-13, 1hr 37min)
HOW DID WE DO LAST WEEK?
KT picked X-Men: Apocalypse to win in a close weekend, so thank goodness I only count wins, because-even though it’s opening was an underwhelming $65.8 million, it still beat the $26.9 million that Alice Through the Looking Glass scared up. (Lifetime record 10-3).
WHO WILL WIN THE WEEKEND?
X-Men: Apocalypse performed so underwhelmingly that I don’t think it will be able to withstand an assault by ninja turtles. Not a great moment in mutant history. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows takes the weekend.
Some things from my childhood, like Star Wars, are evergreen. Others, like Transformers and Tron, remain cool, and deserve so much better than what modern Hollywood is serving up.
But I’m pretty sure that TMNT belongs in the He-Man category of “What were they pushing, and why on Earth did I buy it?”
Sure, these movies could have been better. If they had gone back to that DARK original graphic novel, awesomeness could have resulted. But no one wants Shredder committing hari-kari. The turtles only caught on when they were made lightheaded, with the pizza and whatnot.
I think that Alice Through the Looking Glass closed out a chapter of my moviegoing life. At least 99% of the world’s population of writers are not Lewis Caroll, and I don’t ask them to be, but I wish more of the ones in Hollywood would recognize their own limitations. If they thought they could one-up Lewis Caroll, they will never respect Saturday morning cartoons from the 1980’s. It’s simply not going to happen.
From now on I will not settle. I must not settle. There is still enough quality stuff out there that I don’t need to play Hollywood’s nostalgia game if I want to get my movie fix. I just thank God that Disney is getting the one I really care about right.
LikeLike
I meant to write that the turtles became popular when they were made lightHEARTED. Though I guess they were lightheaded, too.
LikeLike
Yes, I think both are apt.
LikeLike
Plus now you can watch all the TV I’ve been pitching for years!
LikeLike
I’m not ignoring you. I trust your opinion. It’s just a matter of eking out the time. I’m going to get one glimpse of Mr. D’Onofrio as Mr. Fisk, and I won’t be able to look away until it’s twenty hours later, and the entire bleeding season is over. Making addictive television should be illegal in this day and age.
LikeLike
Gaaah, D’Onofrio is so so so good.
LikeLike