OK. Let’s get this out-of-the-way. The Lone Ranger is not the worst movie of 2013. It had the good fortune to occur in the same calendar year as You’re Next. Short of someone shooting a three-hour nature study of horse apples, You’re Next is secure in being the worst motion picture of 2013 (and quite possibly the decade). However, if you would like to see an iconic American hero dragged through a pile of horse apples (unfortunately not a metaphor), then Gore Verbinski has delivered the definitive version of The Lone Ranger. Continue reading Movie Review: The Lone Ranger (2013)
I want to not dread this. I am looking for solid evidence that one of my favorite childhood heroes is not going to be Willy Wonka’d by Johnny Depp & Co. I am still looking for that evidence through four trailers now. This is just not my Lone Ranger. When this opens on July 3rd, I’m going to be in another theater watching minions wreak havoc in Despicable Me 2.
I grew up watching The Lone Ranger. The old TV show, mostly. I had action figures. Even though I wasn’t allowed to see the movie, I had this kids picture book edition of the bomb of a movie they tried to use to resurrect the franchise in the 1980s and I loved it. It’s a Western combined with a Super Hero! Thusly, I was initially excited to hear it was going to get a revival. Then they cast Johnny Depp as Tonto. My feelings on Johnny Depp are exceedingly mixed. For the longest time, he did nothing but small films (with the odd Edward Scissorhands thrown in). Then came the first Pirates of the Caribbean and Jack Sparrow. Glorious. Then came the following Pirates of the Carribeans. Not-s0-glorious. Horrific. Better but still not glorious. (There’s my quick reviews of 2-4). But ok, reserving judgment. Then I saw the first trailer….and the second….and I really have no expectations other than this is going to be the Tonto is Quirky Show. The bar of my expectations is so low that if the film is marginally good, I’ll be so overjoyed that I’ll ride off into the sunset with my action figures held aloft.
So that was that and here’s the international trailer for it released today. The Lone Ranger comes out Independence Day Weekend.
Today’s been a bit of a pre-summer theme week here on Killing Time. As we look ahead to the summer behemoths, some are absolute slam dunks. I would be utterly shocked if Iron Man 3, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Man of Steel or Elysium failed to deliver. There are this year, an unusual number of films that stride the fence between “I’m looking forward to it” and “Oh please, God, don’t let it suck.” Here are the top 5 on my worry list:
1. Monsters University – This may purely be post-Cars 2 traumatic stress syndrome and-to be fair-this one has a plot that doesn’t sound absolutely meatheaded the way Cars 2 did. Pixar also has an odd history of producing crap trailers for amazing films so they always make me nervous, but nothing I’ve seen has me thinking this is going to be a classic.
2. World War Z – First it was going to be a trilogy and a franchise for Brad Pitt. Then it was just one movie. Then test audiences saw the one movie and hated its guts so much that they grabbed everyone, went back out and filmed over a third of the movie over again. I love this book. I think the ant pyramid of zombies is freaking awesome. Want it to be good. Nervous.
3. The Lone Ranger – Let’s deal with the problem on the left in the picture below. It’s not Tonto and the Lone Ranger. Depp looks like he’s going full multiple Sparrows in Pirates 3 and I hate the make-up. Plus, how in the name of all that is holy can you spend nearly $300 million making a western? I love this character. I have since I was a kid. I really wanted a great treatment and THIS one I’m nearly certain won’t deliver. In fact, I’ll be as surprised if it’s good as I will be if Star Trek is bad.
4. Kick Ass 2- Kick Ass left itself open for a sequel so we knew it was going to happen, but everything I’ve seen so far has been painfully bad. The story is also not as strong as the first film and Jim Carrey has a tendency to ….overwhelm any film he’s in. Don’t make Hit Girl suck.
5. 300: Rise of an Empire – OK! Quick history review: how many of the 300 survived the battle of Thermopylae? NOOOOOONE. First the sequel was going to be about Xerxes. Then it was changed to 300: Battle of Artemsia, which is a famous naval battle in which the Greeks held off Xerxes’ navy. Now it’s 300: Rise of an Empire. These are Greeks not Spartans. You don’t have Zack Snyder who, love him or hate him, defined the look of the film. You don’t have source material like Snyder had Frank Miller’s graphic novel. What do you have? The picture below was released a few days ago an it is the only evidence of any kind we have that this isn’t the result of a studio executives mad libs bet gone horribly awry.