What a weird, wild Oscars. Eleven different films got Oscars. Life of Pi got the most little gold men with 4, but Argo took home Best Picture with only 3. Also winning 3 was Les Miserables; Django Unchained, Skyfall and Lincoln all picked up 2. Three for a Best Picture is the fewest Oscars since Crash won, but unlike that year, Argo’s win was well-deserved. I actually had very few qualms with the choices made, which is even rarer. Killing Time’s predictions went 14/20 and most times I was happy to be wrong. On a night as odd as last night, 70% isn’t too shabby.
I thought about live blogging the show on Twitter, but thanks to the miracle of connectivity, that would have meant everyone’s phones would have been bonging and bleeping every other minute and I couldn’t do that to-say-my mother in law without dire familial consequences. So here is my stream of consciousness Oscar log.
7:00 – 75% female house majority has E! broadcasting red carpet banality. For someone who operates their wardrobe on the Charlie Brown model, listening to people break down dresses like football plays is agonizing.
90 MINUTES OF THIS. IT’S LIKE A BIBLICAL PLAGUE!
8:30 – Thank God! Here we go: showtime. Go Argo & Pi! Will be attempting to measure the amount of time that could have been saved had my suggestions for reforming the show (see last week’s Top 5) been implemented. Forgot to include acceptance speech shock collars and auto-host replacement in my list…
8:35 – Shatner? ….and a song about boobs. Five minutes in and two musical numbers. Forget measuring wasted time. Have a suspicion already that will prove a frustrating pursuit.
8:37 – LOL Sock puppet Flight. Nice.
8:39 – Musical Number 3. I have absolutely no alcohol…
8:41 – Musical Number 4. Seth MacFarlane’s monologue is just like an episode of Family Guy. Islands of laughter in a sea of awkward silence….except all the targets are sitting there.
8:45 – First award! Best Supporting Actor to…Christoph Waltz! Wow, didn’t think he’d get another so soon. Thought this was a DeNiro v. Jones toss-up, but happy to be wrong. He owned that movie.
8:55 – How did someone manage to de-funny Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy? WOO HOO! Paperman for animated short and Brave for feature! How long before they just name this trophy the Pixar Oscar?
9:02 – Cast of the Avengers giving out Cinematography and F/X. Cinematography to Pi (Skyfall deserved that) and F/X to Pi. Beginning of a run? LOL Jaws theme chases F/X winner off-stage. Should be the new standard practice.
9:12 – Costumes to Anna Karenina. Predictable in giving it to the film that least deserved it. Ugh, Oscar nominated film Mirror Mirror. That’s a phrase now.
9:15 – Makeup to Les Miserables over the Hobbit? What the what?
9:17 – 50 years of Bond tribute begins. How do you make Halle Berry look ugly? Just wow. First montage of the evening. 47 minutes for a montage must be an Oscar telecast restraint record…..and there’s musical number 5. Goldfinger has not aged well. On any level.
9:30 – Shorts/Documentary awards. Time for traditional nap and/or snack making.
9:47 – Yeah, 150 years IS too soon for that Booth/Lincoln joke. Yikes. Affleck heard one too many. He’s turning on MacFarlane.
9:48 – Jaws 2 Boring Acceptors 0
9:50 – Amour gets Foreign Film.
9:53 – Travolta introduces ode to musicals (which is odd because this whole show has been oding musicals since it began). Montages 2-4 and musical numbers 6-8 by Chicago, Dreamgirls and Les Mis casts.
IT HAS BEEN AN HOUR SINCE A REAL OSCAR GOT HANDED OUT.
10:05 – Scientific and Technical Awards montage
10:08 – Sound awards. Mixing to Les Miserables (over Zero Dark Thirty?) and Editing is a TIE? WOW! Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall tie. I cannot remember the last time there was a tie. (Research: last one was in 1986 for Best Documentary; only five in Academy history)
Jaws 3 Winners 0; people are looking terrified giving their speeches.
10:15 – Chris Plummer hating on MacFarlane too. Supporting actress to Anne Hathaway. No surprise and totally deserved. Les Mis has 3 now…making a run?
10:28 – Film Editing to Argo; finally one for Argo. Nine different films have already won a trophy.
10:30 – Adele performing the only nominated song that matters (musical number 9)
10:44 – Production Design to Lincoln? Okay ten different films.
10:50 – I’m just going to estimate my suggestions would have shaved an hour off this show as we sleep through the Governor’s Awards.
10:57 – Clooney and the annual death montage (#5). RIP Ernest Borgnine, Jack Klugman, Michael Clarke Duncan and Ray Bradbury. Oh good Streisand makes musical number 10.
11:05 – Score to Pi and song to Adele and Skyfall! Adele’s got half of an EGOT!
11: 20 – This show is dragging badly. Screenplays to Argo & Django, very nice.
11:24 – I want to play Unicorn Apocalypse! These ads, culminating in the Tim Burton one, make me want to play this game. I want it to exist.
11:28 – Lol @ cocaine trees. Best Director goes to Ang Lee. Best of the ones that were nominated. Kudos to not giving it to Spielberg. That movie was good in spite of his sloppy directing, not because of it. Ok, so is Pi taking this now? Argo only has 2 and Lincoln is clearly out of it…
11:35 – The French guy from The Artist whose name I cannot commit to memory is the new F. Murray Abraham. This is the last time anyone will hear from him. Best Actress to Jennifer Lawrence…should have been Chastain..AND SHE’S DOWN! DRESS CASUALTY ON THE STAIRS! Nice recovery though.
11:40 – Biggest lock of the night. Daniel Day Lewis gets his third Best Actor and no one was even in his league. Classy funny acceptance speech. Can’t believe Streep got bored and opened the envelope during the clips lol.
No idea who’s taking Picture at this point
11:45 – Nicholson and….the First Lady? Present Best Picture to….ARGO! Yes! Awesome for Affleck and a worthy best picture.
11:55 – Of course there’s another musical number. Eleven different musical numbers to only five montages. I swear I’ll never make fun of montages again. See you next year, Oscars!