killing time

Killing Time: January 23, 2014 “Happy Bloggoversy and Summary of this Crazed Year!”



I awoke this morning to find this little bauble in my WordPress trophy case.  Two years of Killing Time!  Truth be told, I thought it was tomorrow, so the big article I do on my bloggoversy will have to wait one day.  There’s pizza in the house.  I can’t be blamed for what will happen next.

I started the whole thing because I wanted to talk about anything but cancer.   My counselor thought I should blog ABOUT my wife’s cancer.  Lemme see….crushing depression……unable to concentrate….cannot focus….why, yes, doctor, I think writing odes to each my wife’s five million tumors would be a seriously positive way to cope.  So I ignored professional help and did the polar opposite.  All I knew when I started this blog was I’ll be damned if we’re going to form a cancer support, group hug online group.  I didn’t want to update people on tumor markers.  I wanted to throw down with idiots who think Tom Bombadil would have worked in The Fellowhip of the ring.

And I did it.  For the first 500 plus days of this blog I did not miss a day.  It didn’t matter if I was writing on what hospitals laughingly call guest chairs or jotting down thoughts in-between running to the pharmacy for one of the 20 or so prescriptions you need to fight the good fight.  Screw you, reality, I’ve got this under control here in my cave of geeky blogging.  Then, after four years of beating handily an initial diagnosis of 2-4 months to live, my wife started to lose her battle.  You know what, the hell with that.  People always analogize cancer as a “battle” or a “fight” and I’m sick of it.  Janice wasn’t dueling something with an epee or running in slo-mo next to a greased up Gerard Butler (as much as she would have enjoyed that).
Jan lived.  She was able, and I don’t know how she was able to be as graceful about it as she was, to NOT let her cancer define her and fought like a tomcat against anything that made it look like she was a face in the crowd, wearing a pink ribbon.  My wife didn’t fight cancer.  She beat the holy hell out of cancer with a baseball bat to the mouth for years longer than should have been medically possible.  She remained the most supportive spouse you could ask for in life.  She didn’t stop whomping cancer.  Her body just gave up slowly.

When I started to realize that this was going to be IT…it was mid-late September.   Things happened so quickly; degenerated so quickly that before long my wife couldn’t communicate with me, then she didn’t recognize me, and at the end only a little of her was still manning the ship.  We went from the onco ward to hospice.  I don’t know how those ladies do it but hospice nurses are angels.  It’s like a day spa with narcotics.

The last day I held her in bed.  The nurses were telling us they had no idea how she was hanging on; what was keeping her from letting go.  I knew.  She was afraid of what would happen to me without her there to turn the crazy hose on and knock me off the ceiling.  She was afraid of what I’d do with myself.  Positions reversed, I’d have been just as worried about her.  We hadn’t had a conversation in nearly a month.  I’d talk but how much got through the damnable fog, who knows?  But, I held her close and whispered, “You go on now.  I’ll do my best to make you proud.”   20 hours later she died and I watched that too.  It’s a remarkably anticlimactic thing after four years of torture.  One minute she’s there; the only woman I ever wanted to spend my life with…then you’re holding her as she slowly turns cold, is wheeled down the hallway out of sight, and there’s a giant hole in you as if someone took a sawed-off to your soul.

Sorry….didn’t realize we were going to go through all that, but the story of this blog is her story as much as mine.  She wanted it to go on.  She wanted me to write every day, and she wanted me just to be happy.  I haven’t figured out in any way how to do that.  But I came back after a month and tried to pick up and I think we’ve got things rolling again.  I have some new things I want to try this year; may phase out others and am always looking for feedback from you guys who were so amazingly kind when this happened.  Since I’ve gotten back and rolling, I haven’t missed a day and I don’t plan on doing so. That’s more for the promise I made her than for any other reason, but,hey, more articles!

Anniversaries stop you from being the clock’s slave and looking up for just a moment to see where all those ticks and tocks have brought you.  It’s not an exaggeration to say I blew up my life in October and I’m still unsure as to where I’ll land.  You’ll get to find out along with me though and in the midst of life’s sillier moments we can debate the Prequels, pick the best Star Trek cast, argue over the Hobbit trilogy and demand everyone stop what they’re doing and immediately read/watch/ingest the MOST AMAZING THING EVER!!!  I want to believe that’s still to come.  I’m 35, so feeling like you went through the whole life cycle already is kind of a surreal feeling.  Should make for some good weekly check-ins with you guys, though.  Happy 2nd Anniversary KTers.  Maybe this year will be better than the last…

PS – You know what, I think 1000 words of soul cleansing counts as a bloggoversery post (at least for this year).

8 thoughts on “Killing Time: January 23, 2014 “Happy Bloggoversy and Summary of this Crazed Year!””

  1. Dammit, you made my cry again! I don’t know where you found the strength to keep blogging despite all you went through, but I commend you for 2 years of sheer persistence and bravery. I hope that you find happiness and until then keep soldiering on by writing about your favourite topics!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow… I’m speechless… I don’t know what to say except that you brought tears to my eyes.

    We’re here for you. Next year WILL be better. Onwards and upwards, my friend.


  3. P.S. I guess I lied about being speechless… but I wanted you to know… you inspire me. I truly have a very admiration for your courage and your spirit and although I never (obviously) knew your wife (and can’t claim to really know you) I’m sure she’d be so incredibly proud of you right now.


    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. This one was a very difficult post and it went places I totally didn’t expect. Maybe I needed to write out some of it. In the end, I put it up because my wife was a part of this site and impacts my current ability to maintain it. I can’t do tons of posts a day anymore. But I try my best to do at least one. I’m just trying to, as a very wise friend told me, just keep breathing, and hope time heals the harshest of the hurt. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. In life a person needs to do his dreaming alongside other dreamers. That’s so he doesn’t become disconnected. And it’s not as hard to do as our species sometimes makes it seem, because we are all on the same pilgrimage, and we all have our stories to listen to, and tell.

    Dave, I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. But I’m glad I’ve had the privilege to exchange some meaningful stories with you. I know you need the outlet infinitely more than most of your readers, but in some small measure your readers need the outlet, too.

    This year WILL be better. I would not lie to you. Travel if you need to, and keep maintaining KT, because after people like us are finished with Episode 7, the word “dissection” will have a whole new meaning. For example, that cross guard in the coming attraction is actually exhaust being vented from the blade, because it is in fact a flamesaber.


    1. THAT. IS. Awesome. The flamesaber, not my wife dying. At any rate, thanks Peter, and I’ve found friends and support on this board that I never expected and I am so very greatful……..seriously no one is going to confirm my Gummi Bear discovery? I thought it groundbreaking work for work done in an airport.


      1. Actually, my mind is reeling, because I had forgotten that show existed. Other than the theme song, which is now running through my head, my recollection is so vague that I can’t comment on your interpretation, though it sounds plausible. The question is, do you remember The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse? It was made by John Kricfalusi, who would later go on to create Ren and Stimpy, and whenever the titular mouse turned into a superhero, he ingested something he shouldn’t have been ingesting. It happened between the frames, but it was clearly visible if you freeze-framed it. Needless to say, when this was discovered by the network the show was promptly cancelled.

        Liked by 1 person

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